A Day of Reflection

Today has been a rough day. My morale has been down. I woke up with a sore throat and a migraine headache and pretty much gave up on my day. It was a bright and sunny day too. I’m sorry to have missed it, but I think I needed a day to relax and unwind. We all need those days, especially the pregnant and single.

Towards the end of the day I felt better and I did get out and go for a walk with my dog. It’s funny, maybe other women who are in my situation would have moments where they think, ‘I wish I had my boyfriend/husband to go for a walk with me.’ I never think that because a walk for J is like pulling out his teeth, like many things are for J which make me happy. People tell me that one day I will meet a man who appreciates going for walks with me, my dog and my baby on a sunny day as much as a do. Not that I’m even thinking of dating anytime soon, but it is a nice thought.

I’ve been reflecting over my pregnancy so far and I’m grateful my first trimester is over, not only because of the nausea, but because of all the destruction J caused weekend after weekend. During the first trimester I felt like I was on 16 and Pregnant, and nothing aggravates me more than that show, except Jersey shore. J used to watch those shows and actually enjoyed them. Those shows are banned from my house. It’s bad for the brain.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a bad a feeling as I did during that first trimester. J would yell at me and I would cry, clutching my tiny tummy, thinking about all of its precious organs developing. There were times when he would do something mean or stupid and I would become so enraged at him. I would be hyperventilating in the fetal position holding my belly, trying to calm down so my baby wouldn’t feel what I felt. I cannot even describe how painful that feeling was. I knew my emotions were in my control, but he would hurt me so bad and I would try so hard not to let him, but I couldn’t always win. I would know that my blood pressure was up; I could feel the knots in my stomach as I sobbed from the depths of my being. I swore to myself I would never let my baby hear or see any of this. And I knew I had to stop putting up with it, because I would not let J ruin this life. I’m 17 weeks and the baby’s starting to hear now. Counselling is the only way we can start communicating. I’m feeling more hopeful about that now. I feel grateful for the opportunity. Thank-you, J’s Mom.

This second trimester has been lovely, (with the exception of cruel text messages and hearing rumours of what J was putting up his nose). I had no drama to deal with, I’ve been eating well, I’m cooking up a storm and surrounding myself with positive people. Even now, I just closed my eyes and take a big sigh of relief. Quietness and calm surround me. No drama. No MTV. No tears. Only good food and good people. Forever.

Besides the bad morale day today, things are looking up. I get to quit my boring editing job soon and I’m going to start working at a bookstore. It’s always been a little dream of mine. Have you ever seen the movie You’ve Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? If you haven’t, you should. Ever since I’ve watched that movie, I’ve wanted to work at a bookstore. Bookstores give me a warm, cozy feeling. There’s nothing like the smell of a new book. Mmmm… books.

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I’m keeping it. A Congratulations would be nice…

Before I found out I was pregnant J and I were broken up. I never planned on getting back together with him. But when he was in Ryan Gosling mode it was too hard for me to resist, hence the drunken Christmas Eve incident that triggered an even bigger incident. From the outside looking in on J’s and I relationship, we are/were doomed, so I can’t blame people’s first question to be, “Are you happy about it?”

When I first decided to keep the baby, with J’s undying support of course, I heard a lot of things along the lines of, “Her life is going to be so hard if they don’t work out.”

Do I have a choice? It’s happened. It’s happening. And J is going to be there every step of the way.

“I’m sure it’ll all work out,” was a common reply. I hope so. I never thought he was capable of abandoning me pregnant. I would lay in bed at night and pray that this would give him the ability to get help and grow up.

I was surprised how many people were subtly advocating me choosing abortion once J slowly started reverting back to old behavior. I heard a lot of, “Pretty much all my friends have had abortions… it’s no big deal,” or “it’s going to be so, so hard.”

Why do people get sad looks on their face when they find out that I’m having a baby by myself? Because if this situation was reversed, I would say, ‘Good for you. You’re going to be fine. This will be great motivation. You can do this by yourself. I admire you for not getting an abortion.’

I did contemplate abortion but by the time I really thought about it I was around 6-8 weeks. I had already considered this mass of cells a baby. I just couldn’t do it. Maybe J would come around.

I must admit, I have day dreamed of rewinding time and reliving the whole ‘We’re pregnant conversation.’ If J wasn’t delusional he would say, “I can’t do this. I can’t be involved.” And I would tell him exactly what I said the first time round, “I can’t afford a baby. Bottom line.” And instead of him saying, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of us.” He would say the truth: “I can’t have that responsibility. If you decide to keep it, you’re on your own.” And to be honest, if the conversation went like that, I wouldn’t be making this the topic of my first blog.

I catch myself feeling ashamed of myself a lot of the time and that people frown upon me for my choice to not get an abortion. I still feel as though people still try to make me feel stupid for getting pregnant and not being in a committed relationship.

But, Shit happens.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m pro-choice, and I know the decision to have an abortion is hard as well. But I have news for you: A lot of people get pregnant in bad relationships; the difference between us is that everyone knows it’s happening to me, because I have chosen to have the baby.

Everyone seems to have in their head is that you should be over 30; in a stable career; in a loving, committed relationship; own your own house with a picket fence and drive a Prius.

I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. The only thing I can agree with about that statement is that a loving, committed relationship is key, but it doesn’t happen that way for a lot of people.

In my circumstances, being 25, I’m fully emotionally capable of taking care of a baby. And the baby’s not going to know we’re poor for quite sometime. Just because I have a baby doesn’t mean I’m stuck in the poor-house for the rest of my life.

I know my pregnancy isn’t as promising and joyous as those other people’s who have everything perfectly aligned, and it is really sad that I don’t have a partner to go through this with. But guess what? I’m only 25, people are supposed to have kids in their 20s- not in their 40s, like a lot of people. Sure, it’s nice to have money, but my kid won’t know he/she is poor until they start comparing each other. I got at least five-years to make decent money. And I know I rent out my grandmother’s basement suite, but I’m so grateful for it. My grandmother will be a huge part of my child’s life.

I understand that having a baby is hard when you’re single, but so is having an abortion and so is having a baby in your 40s. I’m in the midst of unplanned pregnancy, with no money and no partner and I deserve a Congratulations, because guess what? Everything will work out and I will be the best mother I can be. And from what I’ve heard, once I see my baby, I won’t be having it any other way.