The Burden

After much more of J’s drama, J and I did end up going to couple’s counselling. I thought it went well at the time, but now I just feel crappy. I’m doing him a favour by doing this and it makes me angry I even bother.

He’s in some serious denial and he is not embarrassed or remorseful about his behaviour in the slightest. To him, he’s done nothing wrong. He chose drugs, booze and his friends over his family!!! Why do I bother? It’s as if he has no morals or conscience, literally. How can I reason with someone like him?

Two days later and I can’t stop thinking about all the lies he told and the things I wish I said. I cringe at all the things I have to say over and over again and I’m so tired of trying. He’s a sadist and I wish he would just go away.

It also pisses me off that so many of my posts have been about J and the misery he causes me and the baby. I know I’m giving him too much credit. Until my next appointment, I’m on a J detox.

A really great thing did come out of the counselling. The counsellor, J and I made an agreement J would stop messaging me for this week. She said, “J, understand this is not because she doesn’t care about you or that she’s trying to hurt you. It’s because we do not want to hurt the baby.” Thank God.

The ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender is in early May. I don’t want him there. At the next appointment I’m going to have to bring this up. I want my family who has supported and loved me through this to be there with me. I want great memories associated with this milestone. He can’t pick and choose when he wants to be involved. You’re either there or you’re not, and he’s not. I don’t want him near me when I’m in labor either. Or even at the hospital.  I’ll be too vulnerable and he’ll ruin my happiness. He can’t ruin anymore experiences for me. I will not let him.

I really try not to let him ruin things for me. I wish I could be that over-the-moon pregnant person who I always envisioned being, where their only worry is about what colour to paint the baby’s room.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still extremely happy. I’m glowing! I love this baby, I love this belly, I love the flutters in my tummy and I’m looking forward to everything.

I wish so badly that I didn’t have to carry around this heavy burden that is J. Any advice? Words of comfort?

Right now, I’m going to make some tea, go outside and read my book on this wonderful, sunny day.

The Text

J bailed again on counselling. This is the second time. What a let-down, but not a surprise. Just another one of the thousands of promises made that he couldn’t be bothered to keep.

I’m drained from today. I got message after message from him, manipulating me into talking to him by subtly playing the suicide card. He definitely got me worried.  I got it all sorted out. I had to tell his Mom and sister. Don’t think he’ll be trying that again. As most people learn when they’re teenagers, suicide threats are not taken lightly.

I found myself drafting a text message today to send to J’s Mom, but instead I emailed it to myself. I kept it in text message form- unedited, with lazy grammar. Here it is:

Is there anyone who can talk to J? Explain that couples counselling is our first step to communicating. Explain that I can’t b upset and that I’ve tried so hard to warn him about his destructive behaviour that I literally don’t have the energy to talk about it. That he HAS to do this. That he’s already thrown away so much and that this opportunity is a gift that not very many ppl get. Tell him that he needs to stop being selfish and that he’s abandoned me while I’m pregnant. That he doesn’t need to b afraid cuz he will be doing the right thing. Tell him that he tried to ruin what is supposed to b the happiest time of my life. That I continue to go above and beyond for him and he should do the same for me… That I’ve done nothing and neither had this unborn baby. And he’s taken our future, a loving whole family, and destroyed it. That Ive been so forgiving and he should never have forgotten that. Tell him that the least he can do is try to put it back together cuz its the right thing to do and its about time he manned-up and did the right thing for once in his life.

I didn’t send it because it’s too long, but also because J’s Mom knows it would just make him angry. I still think someone, besides me, should tell him.

A Day of Reflection

Today has been a rough day. My morale has been down. I woke up with a sore throat and a migraine headache and pretty much gave up on my day. It was a bright and sunny day too. I’m sorry to have missed it, but I think I needed a day to relax and unwind. We all need those days, especially the pregnant and single.

Towards the end of the day I felt better and I did get out and go for a walk with my dog. It’s funny, maybe other women who are in my situation would have moments where they think, ‘I wish I had my boyfriend/husband to go for a walk with me.’ I never think that because a walk for J is like pulling out his teeth, like many things are for J which make me happy. People tell me that one day I will meet a man who appreciates going for walks with me, my dog and my baby on a sunny day as much as a do. Not that I’m even thinking of dating anytime soon, but it is a nice thought.

I’ve been reflecting over my pregnancy so far and I’m grateful my first trimester is over, not only because of the nausea, but because of all the destruction J caused weekend after weekend. During the first trimester I felt like I was on 16 and Pregnant, and nothing aggravates me more than that show, except Jersey shore. J used to watch those shows and actually enjoyed them. Those shows are banned from my house. It’s bad for the brain.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a bad a feeling as I did during that first trimester. J would yell at me and I would cry, clutching my tiny tummy, thinking about all of its precious organs developing. There were times when he would do something mean or stupid and I would become so enraged at him. I would be hyperventilating in the fetal position holding my belly, trying to calm down so my baby wouldn’t feel what I felt. I cannot even describe how painful that feeling was. I knew my emotions were in my control, but he would hurt me so bad and I would try so hard not to let him, but I couldn’t always win. I would know that my blood pressure was up; I could feel the knots in my stomach as I sobbed from the depths of my being. I swore to myself I would never let my baby hear or see any of this. And I knew I had to stop putting up with it, because I would not let J ruin this life. I’m 17 weeks and the baby’s starting to hear now. Counselling is the only way we can start communicating. I’m feeling more hopeful about that now. I feel grateful for the opportunity. Thank-you, J’s Mom.

This second trimester has been lovely, (with the exception of cruel text messages and hearing rumours of what J was putting up his nose). I had no drama to deal with, I’ve been eating well, I’m cooking up a storm and surrounding myself with positive people. Even now, I just closed my eyes and take a big sigh of relief. Quietness and calm surround me. No drama. No MTV. No tears. Only good food and good people. Forever.

Besides the bad morale day today, things are looking up. I get to quit my boring editing job soon and I’m going to start working at a bookstore. It’s always been a little dream of mine. Have you ever seen the movie You’ve Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? If you haven’t, you should. Ever since I’ve watched that movie, I’ve wanted to work at a bookstore. Bookstores give me a warm, cozy feeling. There’s nothing like the smell of a new book. Mmmm… books.

Couples Counselling for One

J has a really great mom. So great that she has offered to pay for couples counselling. You see, couple’s counselling is the only way we can get J to seek help, possibly opening up his mind to individual counselling. Our appointment’s next Thursday and I’m dreading it. The thought of seeing him causes my blood-pressure to rise and my blood to boil. The fact that I have to sit down for an hour and a half and explain myself again makes me want to vomit.

As usual, I’m trying to look at the positive:

1. Free counselling

2. I’ve always been fascinated with this profession. What an excellent opportunity!

3. Maybe a miracle will happen and through couples therapy and he will begin counselling sessions by himself so he can conquer his own demons

4. J could learn how to act like an adult and be a nice, helpful Baby’s Daddy/ex-boyfriend rather than an abusive, unreliable one

5. Maybe he’ll own up to his problems and take responsibility for his actions

6. I could learn how to not care about his manipulations anymore

7. We could end this nicely

8. Maybe, just maybe, he will mature, get help, leave his youth behind him, quit drinking and boozing, (which means giving up the majority of his friends) and then he could be a wonderful dad—- and even maybe, a good boyfriend.

Wow, that’s a whole lot of positive thinking! I admit it; I’m a realist, I think if outcome G. was possible it probably would have happened by now…

Can couple’s counselling work for J and I? Even when the whole issue really is just J? Do I have the energy to let everything go and start fresh yet again for him to just destroy it when it counts? No, I don’t. Does he still have the energy to lie to himself and to me about who he is? God, I hope not.

I swore I would give this my all, as I always have. I would be lying if a part of me wasn’t still praying a miracle would happen. Not because I’m a victim of this man-boy, but because I don’t want to share my child with someone who has put me through hell.

I don’t think I have the energy to forgive him anymore for it to start-up all over again. I want off this ride. This is the last effort I’m putting towards this relationship and if it wasn’t for my baby I wouldn’t even be making it. It makes me sick that I still go above and beyond for him when he can’t even give up partying for his future. How could he do this?

This is going to take a lot of effort on my part, and I’m exhausted from the last hundred times. Must be strong.

To understand my story; Meet J

I’m not going to go to in-depth into all the relationship drama. Frankly, I’m sick of talking about it, I’m sick of explaining, I’m sick of psychoanalyzing it and I’m sick of thinking about it.

Here’s the issues. J has a substance-abuse problem, with both alcohol and hard-drugs. He has friends who encourage it. He also has some type of personality disorder where he believes I’m what he wants: He would run through a warzone to get me back and does, to only destruct everything we’ve rebuilt a month or two later. He’s a pathological liar and cannot keep the simplest promises.

Now, I’m a reasonable girl. I try to see things from J’s perspective and for a good year-and-a-half of our relationship, I took some of the blame. I’d say things like, “I shouldn’t have phrased that sentence it like that.” Or, “I understand, you need guy-time.” Or, “I’m so, so, so, so sorry for raising my voice a little when I asked you to pick up you clothes for the thousandth time and you still don’t.” The point is, I can tolerate men. I can be in a long term relationship. All this turmoil is 100 per cent him. I know this now. And somewhere he does too.

I’ve been through it all with this guy; infidelity, drug-abuse, bullying, manipulation, emotional abuse and more…

And please here me when I say I get back together with him because he’s ssssooo damn convincing. He should be up for an Academy Award along with Ryan Gosling and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Anyways, he’s chosen to do use cocaine and binge drink every weekend while emotionally abusing me throughout the week. He has chosen to break his promises again and not be with me. By doing this, he has chosen to not be a father, to not have a family and to not be with me. And I’m pregnant and alone. I get comfort by knowing that this is my baby. As long as he is a bully, my child will not be involved with him. My baby will not treat anyone the way J treats others.

I honestly didn’t think he was capable of this. This is the lowest of the low.

I stopped speaking with him three weeks ago and it will stay that way.

This baby has given me backbone, strength, courage and determination and I’m going to use it to make my life better. This baby gives me something to look forward to. What a blessing.