Little Angels

I haven’t been able to write as much as I would like lately because I’m working three jobs. Eventually, I’ll be working two. Until then, I apologize if there’s some delayed postings.

I wanted to share something with you.

I was working at the bookstore Friday night when a beautiful woman approached the register. She was wearing a simple plain top with a tailored, cargo-like skirt. Her outfit looked as if it were straight off the streets of Paris. She reminded me a little of Julie Christie, a timeless beauty with elegance every young women admires. Because she’d been on vacation she was late picking up her books. Judging from her tan and her worldly presence I assumed it was some place like Greece.

“When are you due?” she asked me as I rung her books through.

“In September,” I replied beaming. This is the first sane person who noticed I was pregnant.

Her eyes began to water and she said, “ I never had my own little angel. It’s the biggest regret of my life,” I looked at her not knowing what to say. “Really, it is.”

I smiled a comforting smile and wished her a good weekend. She swallowed her emotions and left the store.

If there hadn’t been a line up I would have told her how much I appreciated her openness and honesty. Sharing her regrets made me feel better about my situation. I am grateful I will never have that regret. I will never forget that women and I will think of her often throughout my life I am sure.

I’m growing my own little angel ❤

Aside

The Burden

After much more of J’s drama, J and I did end up going to couple’s counselling. I thought it went well at the time, but now I just feel crappy. I’m doing him a favour by doing this and it makes me angry I even bother.

He’s in some serious denial and he is not embarrassed or remorseful about his behaviour in the slightest. To him, he’s done nothing wrong. He chose drugs, booze and his friends over his family!!! Why do I bother? It’s as if he has no morals or conscience, literally. How can I reason with someone like him?

Two days later and I can’t stop thinking about all the lies he told and the things I wish I said. I cringe at all the things I have to say over and over again and I’m so tired of trying. He’s a sadist and I wish he would just go away.

It also pisses me off that so many of my posts have been about J and the misery he causes me and the baby. I know I’m giving him too much credit. Until my next appointment, I’m on a J detox.

A really great thing did come out of the counselling. The counsellor, J and I made an agreement J would stop messaging me for this week. She said, “J, understand this is not because she doesn’t care about you or that she’s trying to hurt you. It’s because we do not want to hurt the baby.” Thank God.

The ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender is in early May. I don’t want him there. At the next appointment I’m going to have to bring this up. I want my family who has supported and loved me through this to be there with me. I want great memories associated with this milestone. He can’t pick and choose when he wants to be involved. You’re either there or you’re not, and he’s not. I don’t want him near me when I’m in labor either. Or even at the hospital.  I’ll be too vulnerable and he’ll ruin my happiness. He can’t ruin anymore experiences for me. I will not let him.

I really try not to let him ruin things for me. I wish I could be that over-the-moon pregnant person who I always envisioned being, where their only worry is about what colour to paint the baby’s room.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still extremely happy. I’m glowing! I love this baby, I love this belly, I love the flutters in my tummy and I’m looking forward to everything.

I wish so badly that I didn’t have to carry around this heavy burden that is J. Any advice? Words of comfort?

Right now, I’m going to make some tea, go outside and read my book on this wonderful, sunny day.

Go Ahead and Be A Couch Potato

When I’m feeling down or in a rut I think the best thing to do is escape. Movies and books are a form of escapism that I believe is good for the soul. So, if you’re lying in the bed crying over an unfortunate situation, go put in a feel good movie watch something that could make you smile or at least put your mind at ease. Leave your situation behind you for two hours and know that you’re not alone.

I’m a movie-buff. I must say that when I recommend movies it’s coming from an excellent source. So, you should listen. I won’t be putting down all the pregnancy movies on this list: Only the good ones that make pregnant and single people feel better. This could be a post in progress, as I’m sure I’ll think of some more movies that are good for the soul along this journey.

Must watch movies for the pregnant and single:

  1. Waitress- It’s a quirky Dramedy, and it’s also one of my favourite movies ever made. It’s just a lovely movie. And if you should watch any movie off this list, please watch this one. Love, Love, Love.
  2. Juno- If she can get through it, so can you! And we will do it with laughter, tears and most important of all, Sarcasm.
  3. The Back-up Plan- Yes, I still think I have good taste. This movie is a giant cliché and a total fairytale fantasy, but it’s so much fun!
  4. For Keeps- It’s not so much about being pregnant and single as it is about a pregnancy that is not all that wonderful all the time.
  5. Knocked Up- If you haven’t seen this movie, you are missing out and that goes for everyone. This one will make you laugh.
  6. Rosemary’s Baby- Only watch this movie if you are a horror movie fan, otherwise you might start having nightmares about your baby. Actually, it’s probably best to save this one for after the baby’s born. You think you’re ex was bad!

Baby update: 17-weeks and can’t wait for some kicks!

I’m 17-weeks pregnant today. I haven’t felt the baby move yet, but I can’t wait. Every gurgle in my stomach makes me question whether it’s the baby moving around or if it’s the English muffin I ate. I think it’s the English muffin. I’ve read babies can start to hear as early as 17-weeks in the womb even though their ears aren’t structurally complete until 24 weeks. I’ve been trying to keep a nice tone of voice, as I’m sure I will be doing for the rest of my life.

I was working at the bookstore the other day when someone asked me when I was due. (I’m due September 17th by the way.) It was the first time a stranger noticed I was pregnant. I must say she was kind of crazy though.  Nine-months isn’t long enough. I’ve just started showing and I’m half-way through my pregnancy. Before I just felt sick, now that I’m showing, I feel pregnant. In my brain, it’s like I’m really only pregnant for four-and-a-half months. I don’t think it will register that there’s a baby in there until it kicks. I can’t wait. What an exciting time! When did it register for you?

In less than a month I will find out if my baby is a boy or a girl. I have absolutely no hunch what-so-ever, which is weird, because I thought mothers always did. A Wiccan told my Aunt I was having a girl. Honestly, I’m going to be happy either way as long as he or she is healthy.

Growing up, I always wanted a boy. I was raised by all women and thought it would be nice to be surrounded by boys. I never pictured myself partnerless and pregnant though. When I was surrounded by all those boys in my head, there was a big, tall man taking care of all of us. I feel since J is so volatile and unreliable it might be best to have a girl. I think they’re less dependent on Father’s as boys are. I say this because I grew up without a father and it never bothered me until I was an adult.

It did affect me in the sense that I am hopelessly un-athletic. I’m terrified of heights and balancing on my own, and have awful hand-eye coordination. It is very sad. I could never get the Volley-ball over the net and my biggest embarrassment; I don’t know how to ride a bike. Oh god, How is my kid going to learn how to ride a bike?! I’ll worry about that later… Maybe it affected me more than I knew. It could have been a contributing factor in all that trouble I got into in high school. Boy or Girl, I’ll be just as excited, scared and happy either way.

Couples Counselling for One

J has a really great mom. So great that she has offered to pay for couples counselling. You see, couple’s counselling is the only way we can get J to seek help, possibly opening up his mind to individual counselling. Our appointment’s next Thursday and I’m dreading it. The thought of seeing him causes my blood-pressure to rise and my blood to boil. The fact that I have to sit down for an hour and a half and explain myself again makes me want to vomit.

As usual, I’m trying to look at the positive:

1. Free counselling

2. I’ve always been fascinated with this profession. What an excellent opportunity!

3. Maybe a miracle will happen and through couples therapy and he will begin counselling sessions by himself so he can conquer his own demons

4. J could learn how to act like an adult and be a nice, helpful Baby’s Daddy/ex-boyfriend rather than an abusive, unreliable one

5. Maybe he’ll own up to his problems and take responsibility for his actions

6. I could learn how to not care about his manipulations anymore

7. We could end this nicely

8. Maybe, just maybe, he will mature, get help, leave his youth behind him, quit drinking and boozing, (which means giving up the majority of his friends) and then he could be a wonderful dad—- and even maybe, a good boyfriend.

Wow, that’s a whole lot of positive thinking! I admit it; I’m a realist, I think if outcome G. was possible it probably would have happened by now…

Can couple’s counselling work for J and I? Even when the whole issue really is just J? Do I have the energy to let everything go and start fresh yet again for him to just destroy it when it counts? No, I don’t. Does he still have the energy to lie to himself and to me about who he is? God, I hope not.

I swore I would give this my all, as I always have. I would be lying if a part of me wasn’t still praying a miracle would happen. Not because I’m a victim of this man-boy, but because I don’t want to share my child with someone who has put me through hell.

I don’t think I have the energy to forgive him anymore for it to start-up all over again. I want off this ride. This is the last effort I’m putting towards this relationship and if it wasn’t for my baby I wouldn’t even be making it. It makes me sick that I still go above and beyond for him when he can’t even give up partying for his future. How could he do this?

This is going to take a lot of effort on my part, and I’m exhausted from the last hundred times. Must be strong.

My Greatest Fear

Being a single mother is the hardest job in the world. 

This social stigma constantly berates my brain. It’s a horrible feeling. Is it really going to be that hard? My solution to this fear of mine is to GET A GOOD JOB.

I’ve had one goal my whole life: I do not want to struggle. My family has always worried about money and that’s something I wanted to come to an end in my adult years. I always wanted to raise a child with two parents who have good-paying jobs. Forget the two parent thing for now- but I still have hope I will land a good paying job. It only takes one good job… I’ve been trying for years to accomplish my goal.

I graduated from journalism school, did some freelancing, couldn’t get a job after trying for a year-and-a-half. So, I went to hairdressing school. I thought I couldn’t go wrong with a trade. I was really happy working at a salon and just got full-time hours when I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I had to leave for medical reasons, which I won’t bother boring you with.

I recently got an extremely boring, low-wage, part-time job doing editing and layout for history books. It’ll do for now. I sure do wish I had co-workers to pass time with though!

Although I love hairdressing its instability scares me now. Before, I had all the time in the world to build a clientele and make some decent money, but now that I’m pregnant I don’t have that time.  I’m pretty sure I will be heading back to school. I’ve been looking through fast-track courses and so far I think an administrative assistant course would be my best bet. Hopefully I can get a job through the city or a school district. Does anyone out there have any other suggestions?

My ideal life would be working 25-30 hours a week as a well-paid administrative assistant, and hairdressing at home for 10 hours a week. And of course, always writing, which is my true passion…

For now, all I want in life is to find a job where I start at $20 an hour. I would be over the moon. It would be such a relief! We could survive on that. As of today, I’ve never made over $12.50 an hour and I’m educated. Being 20-something in 2012 sucks.

To understand my story; Meet J

I’m not going to go to in-depth into all the relationship drama. Frankly, I’m sick of talking about it, I’m sick of explaining, I’m sick of psychoanalyzing it and I’m sick of thinking about it.

Here’s the issues. J has a substance-abuse problem, with both alcohol and hard-drugs. He has friends who encourage it. He also has some type of personality disorder where he believes I’m what he wants: He would run through a warzone to get me back and does, to only destruct everything we’ve rebuilt a month or two later. He’s a pathological liar and cannot keep the simplest promises.

Now, I’m a reasonable girl. I try to see things from J’s perspective and for a good year-and-a-half of our relationship, I took some of the blame. I’d say things like, “I shouldn’t have phrased that sentence it like that.” Or, “I understand, you need guy-time.” Or, “I’m so, so, so, so sorry for raising my voice a little when I asked you to pick up you clothes for the thousandth time and you still don’t.” The point is, I can tolerate men. I can be in a long term relationship. All this turmoil is 100 per cent him. I know this now. And somewhere he does too.

I’ve been through it all with this guy; infidelity, drug-abuse, bullying, manipulation, emotional abuse and more…

And please here me when I say I get back together with him because he’s ssssooo damn convincing. He should be up for an Academy Award along with Ryan Gosling and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Anyways, he’s chosen to do use cocaine and binge drink every weekend while emotionally abusing me throughout the week. He has chosen to break his promises again and not be with me. By doing this, he has chosen to not be a father, to not have a family and to not be with me. And I’m pregnant and alone. I get comfort by knowing that this is my baby. As long as he is a bully, my child will not be involved with him. My baby will not treat anyone the way J treats others.

I honestly didn’t think he was capable of this. This is the lowest of the low.

I stopped speaking with him three weeks ago and it will stay that way.

This baby has given me backbone, strength, courage and determination and I’m going to use it to make my life better. This baby gives me something to look forward to. What a blessing.

Previous Older Entries