Little Angels

I haven’t been able to write as much as I would like lately because I’m working three jobs. Eventually, I’ll be working two. Until then, I apologize if there’s some delayed postings.

I wanted to share something with you.

I was working at the bookstore Friday night when a beautiful woman approached the register. She was wearing a simple plain top with a tailored, cargo-like skirt. Her outfit looked as if it were straight off the streets of Paris. She reminded me a little of Julie Christie, a timeless beauty with elegance every young women admires. Because she’d been on vacation she was late picking up her books. Judging from her tan and her worldly presence I assumed it was some place like Greece.

“When are you due?” she asked me as I rung her books through.

“In September,” I replied beaming. This is the first sane person who noticed I was pregnant.

Her eyes began to water and she said, “ I never had my own little angel. It’s the biggest regret of my life,” I looked at her not knowing what to say. “Really, it is.”

I smiled a comforting smile and wished her a good weekend. She swallowed her emotions and left the store.

If there hadn’t been a line up I would have told her how much I appreciated her openness and honesty. Sharing her regrets made me feel better about my situation. I am grateful I will never have that regret. I will never forget that women and I will think of her often throughout my life I am sure.

I’m growing my own little angel ❤

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Aside

Baby update: 17-weeks and can’t wait for some kicks!

I’m 17-weeks pregnant today. I haven’t felt the baby move yet, but I can’t wait. Every gurgle in my stomach makes me question whether it’s the baby moving around or if it’s the English muffin I ate. I think it’s the English muffin. I’ve read babies can start to hear as early as 17-weeks in the womb even though their ears aren’t structurally complete until 24 weeks. I’ve been trying to keep a nice tone of voice, as I’m sure I will be doing for the rest of my life.

I was working at the bookstore the other day when someone asked me when I was due. (I’m due September 17th by the way.) It was the first time a stranger noticed I was pregnant. I must say she was kind of crazy though.  Nine-months isn’t long enough. I’ve just started showing and I’m half-way through my pregnancy. Before I just felt sick, now that I’m showing, I feel pregnant. In my brain, it’s like I’m really only pregnant for four-and-a-half months. I don’t think it will register that there’s a baby in there until it kicks. I can’t wait. What an exciting time! When did it register for you?

In less than a month I will find out if my baby is a boy or a girl. I have absolutely no hunch what-so-ever, which is weird, because I thought mothers always did. A Wiccan told my Aunt I was having a girl. Honestly, I’m going to be happy either way as long as he or she is healthy.

Growing up, I always wanted a boy. I was raised by all women and thought it would be nice to be surrounded by boys. I never pictured myself partnerless and pregnant though. When I was surrounded by all those boys in my head, there was a big, tall man taking care of all of us. I feel since J is so volatile and unreliable it might be best to have a girl. I think they’re less dependent on Father’s as boys are. I say this because I grew up without a father and it never bothered me until I was an adult.

It did affect me in the sense that I am hopelessly un-athletic. I’m terrified of heights and balancing on my own, and have awful hand-eye coordination. It is very sad. I could never get the Volley-ball over the net and my biggest embarrassment; I don’t know how to ride a bike. Oh god, How is my kid going to learn how to ride a bike?! I’ll worry about that later… Maybe it affected me more than I knew. It could have been a contributing factor in all that trouble I got into in high school. Boy or Girl, I’ll be just as excited, scared and happy either way.

A Day of Reflection

Today has been a rough day. My morale has been down. I woke up with a sore throat and a migraine headache and pretty much gave up on my day. It was a bright and sunny day too. I’m sorry to have missed it, but I think I needed a day to relax and unwind. We all need those days, especially the pregnant and single.

Towards the end of the day I felt better and I did get out and go for a walk with my dog. It’s funny, maybe other women who are in my situation would have moments where they think, ‘I wish I had my boyfriend/husband to go for a walk with me.’ I never think that because a walk for J is like pulling out his teeth, like many things are for J which make me happy. People tell me that one day I will meet a man who appreciates going for walks with me, my dog and my baby on a sunny day as much as a do. Not that I’m even thinking of dating anytime soon, but it is a nice thought.

I’ve been reflecting over my pregnancy so far and I’m grateful my first trimester is over, not only because of the nausea, but because of all the destruction J caused weekend after weekend. During the first trimester I felt like I was on 16 and Pregnant, and nothing aggravates me more than that show, except Jersey shore. J used to watch those shows and actually enjoyed them. Those shows are banned from my house. It’s bad for the brain.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a bad a feeling as I did during that first trimester. J would yell at me and I would cry, clutching my tiny tummy, thinking about all of its precious organs developing. There were times when he would do something mean or stupid and I would become so enraged at him. I would be hyperventilating in the fetal position holding my belly, trying to calm down so my baby wouldn’t feel what I felt. I cannot even describe how painful that feeling was. I knew my emotions were in my control, but he would hurt me so bad and I would try so hard not to let him, but I couldn’t always win. I would know that my blood pressure was up; I could feel the knots in my stomach as I sobbed from the depths of my being. I swore to myself I would never let my baby hear or see any of this. And I knew I had to stop putting up with it, because I would not let J ruin this life. I’m 17 weeks and the baby’s starting to hear now. Counselling is the only way we can start communicating. I’m feeling more hopeful about that now. I feel grateful for the opportunity. Thank-you, J’s Mom.

This second trimester has been lovely, (with the exception of cruel text messages and hearing rumours of what J was putting up his nose). I had no drama to deal with, I’ve been eating well, I’m cooking up a storm and surrounding myself with positive people. Even now, I just closed my eyes and take a big sigh of relief. Quietness and calm surround me. No drama. No MTV. No tears. Only good food and good people. Forever.

Besides the bad morale day today, things are looking up. I get to quit my boring editing job soon and I’m going to start working at a bookstore. It’s always been a little dream of mine. Have you ever seen the movie You’ve Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? If you haven’t, you should. Ever since I’ve watched that movie, I’ve wanted to work at a bookstore. Bookstores give me a warm, cozy feeling. There’s nothing like the smell of a new book. Mmmm… books.