Little Angels

I haven’t been able to write as much as I would like lately because I’m working three jobs. Eventually, I’ll be working two. Until then, I apologize if there’s some delayed postings.

I wanted to share something with you.

I was working at the bookstore Friday night when a beautiful woman approached the register. She was wearing a simple plain top with a tailored, cargo-like skirt. Her outfit looked as if it were straight off the streets of Paris. She reminded me a little of Julie Christie, a timeless beauty with elegance every young women admires. Because she’d been on vacation she was late picking up her books. Judging from her tan and her worldly presence I assumed it was some place like Greece.

“When are you due?” she asked me as I rung her books through.

“In September,” I replied beaming. This is the first sane person who noticed I was pregnant.

Her eyes began to water and she said, “ I never had my own little angel. It’s the biggest regret of my life,” I looked at her not knowing what to say. “Really, it is.”

I smiled a comforting smile and wished her a good weekend. She swallowed her emotions and left the store.

If there hadn’t been a line up I would have told her how much I appreciated her openness and honesty. Sharing her regrets made me feel better about my situation. I am grateful I will never have that regret. I will never forget that women and I will think of her often throughout my life I am sure.

I’m growing my own little angel ❤

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Aside

The Burden

After much more of J’s drama, J and I did end up going to couple’s counselling. I thought it went well at the time, but now I just feel crappy. I’m doing him a favour by doing this and it makes me angry I even bother.

He’s in some serious denial and he is not embarrassed or remorseful about his behaviour in the slightest. To him, he’s done nothing wrong. He chose drugs, booze and his friends over his family!!! Why do I bother? It’s as if he has no morals or conscience, literally. How can I reason with someone like him?

Two days later and I can’t stop thinking about all the lies he told and the things I wish I said. I cringe at all the things I have to say over and over again and I’m so tired of trying. He’s a sadist and I wish he would just go away.

It also pisses me off that so many of my posts have been about J and the misery he causes me and the baby. I know I’m giving him too much credit. Until my next appointment, I’m on a J detox.

A really great thing did come out of the counselling. The counsellor, J and I made an agreement J would stop messaging me for this week. She said, “J, understand this is not because she doesn’t care about you or that she’s trying to hurt you. It’s because we do not want to hurt the baby.” Thank God.

The ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender is in early May. I don’t want him there. At the next appointment I’m going to have to bring this up. I want my family who has supported and loved me through this to be there with me. I want great memories associated with this milestone. He can’t pick and choose when he wants to be involved. You’re either there or you’re not, and he’s not. I don’t want him near me when I’m in labor either. Or even at the hospital.  I’ll be too vulnerable and he’ll ruin my happiness. He can’t ruin anymore experiences for me. I will not let him.

I really try not to let him ruin things for me. I wish I could be that over-the-moon pregnant person who I always envisioned being, where their only worry is about what colour to paint the baby’s room.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still extremely happy. I’m glowing! I love this baby, I love this belly, I love the flutters in my tummy and I’m looking forward to everything.

I wish so badly that I didn’t have to carry around this heavy burden that is J. Any advice? Words of comfort?

Right now, I’m going to make some tea, go outside and read my book on this wonderful, sunny day.

A Day of Reflection

Today has been a rough day. My morale has been down. I woke up with a sore throat and a migraine headache and pretty much gave up on my day. It was a bright and sunny day too. I’m sorry to have missed it, but I think I needed a day to relax and unwind. We all need those days, especially the pregnant and single.

Towards the end of the day I felt better and I did get out and go for a walk with my dog. It’s funny, maybe other women who are in my situation would have moments where they think, ‘I wish I had my boyfriend/husband to go for a walk with me.’ I never think that because a walk for J is like pulling out his teeth, like many things are for J which make me happy. People tell me that one day I will meet a man who appreciates going for walks with me, my dog and my baby on a sunny day as much as a do. Not that I’m even thinking of dating anytime soon, but it is a nice thought.

I’ve been reflecting over my pregnancy so far and I’m grateful my first trimester is over, not only because of the nausea, but because of all the destruction J caused weekend after weekend. During the first trimester I felt like I was on 16 and Pregnant, and nothing aggravates me more than that show, except Jersey shore. J used to watch those shows and actually enjoyed them. Those shows are banned from my house. It’s bad for the brain.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a bad a feeling as I did during that first trimester. J would yell at me and I would cry, clutching my tiny tummy, thinking about all of its precious organs developing. There were times when he would do something mean or stupid and I would become so enraged at him. I would be hyperventilating in the fetal position holding my belly, trying to calm down so my baby wouldn’t feel what I felt. I cannot even describe how painful that feeling was. I knew my emotions were in my control, but he would hurt me so bad and I would try so hard not to let him, but I couldn’t always win. I would know that my blood pressure was up; I could feel the knots in my stomach as I sobbed from the depths of my being. I swore to myself I would never let my baby hear or see any of this. And I knew I had to stop putting up with it, because I would not let J ruin this life. I’m 17 weeks and the baby’s starting to hear now. Counselling is the only way we can start communicating. I’m feeling more hopeful about that now. I feel grateful for the opportunity. Thank-you, J’s Mom.

This second trimester has been lovely, (with the exception of cruel text messages and hearing rumours of what J was putting up his nose). I had no drama to deal with, I’ve been eating well, I’m cooking up a storm and surrounding myself with positive people. Even now, I just closed my eyes and take a big sigh of relief. Quietness and calm surround me. No drama. No MTV. No tears. Only good food and good people. Forever.

Besides the bad morale day today, things are looking up. I get to quit my boring editing job soon and I’m going to start working at a bookstore. It’s always been a little dream of mine. Have you ever seen the movie You’ve Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? If you haven’t, you should. Ever since I’ve watched that movie, I’ve wanted to work at a bookstore. Bookstores give me a warm, cozy feeling. There’s nothing like the smell of a new book. Mmmm… books.