Little Angels

I haven’t been able to write as much as I would like lately because I’m working three jobs. Eventually, I’ll be working two. Until then, I apologize if there’s some delayed postings.

I wanted to share something with you.

I was working at the bookstore Friday night when a beautiful woman approached the register. She was wearing a simple plain top with a tailored, cargo-like skirt. Her outfit looked as if it were straight off the streets of Paris. She reminded me a little of Julie Christie, a timeless beauty with elegance every young women admires. Because she’d been on vacation she was late picking up her books. Judging from her tan and her worldly presence I assumed it was some place like Greece.

“When are you due?” she asked me as I rung her books through.

“In September,” I replied beaming. This is the first sane person who noticed I was pregnant.

Her eyes began to water and she said, “ I never had my own little angel. It’s the biggest regret of my life,” I looked at her not knowing what to say. “Really, it is.”

I smiled a comforting smile and wished her a good weekend. She swallowed her emotions and left the store.

If there hadn’t been a line up I would have told her how much I appreciated her openness and honesty. Sharing her regrets made me feel better about my situation. I am grateful I will never have that regret. I will never forget that women and I will think of her often throughout my life I am sure.

I’m growing my own little angel ❤

Aside

The Burden

After much more of J’s drama, J and I did end up going to couple’s counselling. I thought it went well at the time, but now I just feel crappy. I’m doing him a favour by doing this and it makes me angry I even bother.

He’s in some serious denial and he is not embarrassed or remorseful about his behaviour in the slightest. To him, he’s done nothing wrong. He chose drugs, booze and his friends over his family!!! Why do I bother? It’s as if he has no morals or conscience, literally. How can I reason with someone like him?

Two days later and I can’t stop thinking about all the lies he told and the things I wish I said. I cringe at all the things I have to say over and over again and I’m so tired of trying. He’s a sadist and I wish he would just go away.

It also pisses me off that so many of my posts have been about J and the misery he causes me and the baby. I know I’m giving him too much credit. Until my next appointment, I’m on a J detox.

A really great thing did come out of the counselling. The counsellor, J and I made an agreement J would stop messaging me for this week. She said, “J, understand this is not because she doesn’t care about you or that she’s trying to hurt you. It’s because we do not want to hurt the baby.” Thank God.

The ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender is in early May. I don’t want him there. At the next appointment I’m going to have to bring this up. I want my family who has supported and loved me through this to be there with me. I want great memories associated with this milestone. He can’t pick and choose when he wants to be involved. You’re either there or you’re not, and he’s not. I don’t want him near me when I’m in labor either. Or even at the hospital.  I’ll be too vulnerable and he’ll ruin my happiness. He can’t ruin anymore experiences for me. I will not let him.

I really try not to let him ruin things for me. I wish I could be that over-the-moon pregnant person who I always envisioned being, where their only worry is about what colour to paint the baby’s room.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still extremely happy. I’m glowing! I love this baby, I love this belly, I love the flutters in my tummy and I’m looking forward to everything.

I wish so badly that I didn’t have to carry around this heavy burden that is J. Any advice? Words of comfort?

Right now, I’m going to make some tea, go outside and read my book on this wonderful, sunny day.

Baby update: 17-weeks and can’t wait for some kicks!

I’m 17-weeks pregnant today. I haven’t felt the baby move yet, but I can’t wait. Every gurgle in my stomach makes me question whether it’s the baby moving around or if it’s the English muffin I ate. I think it’s the English muffin. I’ve read babies can start to hear as early as 17-weeks in the womb even though their ears aren’t structurally complete until 24 weeks. I’ve been trying to keep a nice tone of voice, as I’m sure I will be doing for the rest of my life.

I was working at the bookstore the other day when someone asked me when I was due. (I’m due September 17th by the way.) It was the first time a stranger noticed I was pregnant. I must say she was kind of crazy though.  Nine-months isn’t long enough. I’ve just started showing and I’m half-way through my pregnancy. Before I just felt sick, now that I’m showing, I feel pregnant. In my brain, it’s like I’m really only pregnant for four-and-a-half months. I don’t think it will register that there’s a baby in there until it kicks. I can’t wait. What an exciting time! When did it register for you?

In less than a month I will find out if my baby is a boy or a girl. I have absolutely no hunch what-so-ever, which is weird, because I thought mothers always did. A Wiccan told my Aunt I was having a girl. Honestly, I’m going to be happy either way as long as he or she is healthy.

Growing up, I always wanted a boy. I was raised by all women and thought it would be nice to be surrounded by boys. I never pictured myself partnerless and pregnant though. When I was surrounded by all those boys in my head, there was a big, tall man taking care of all of us. I feel since J is so volatile and unreliable it might be best to have a girl. I think they’re less dependent on Father’s as boys are. I say this because I grew up without a father and it never bothered me until I was an adult.

It did affect me in the sense that I am hopelessly un-athletic. I’m terrified of heights and balancing on my own, and have awful hand-eye coordination. It is very sad. I could never get the Volley-ball over the net and my biggest embarrassment; I don’t know how to ride a bike. Oh god, How is my kid going to learn how to ride a bike?! I’ll worry about that later… Maybe it affected me more than I knew. It could have been a contributing factor in all that trouble I got into in high school. Boy or Girl, I’ll be just as excited, scared and happy either way.

A Day of Reflection

Today has been a rough day. My morale has been down. I woke up with a sore throat and a migraine headache and pretty much gave up on my day. It was a bright and sunny day too. I’m sorry to have missed it, but I think I needed a day to relax and unwind. We all need those days, especially the pregnant and single.

Towards the end of the day I felt better and I did get out and go for a walk with my dog. It’s funny, maybe other women who are in my situation would have moments where they think, ‘I wish I had my boyfriend/husband to go for a walk with me.’ I never think that because a walk for J is like pulling out his teeth, like many things are for J which make me happy. People tell me that one day I will meet a man who appreciates going for walks with me, my dog and my baby on a sunny day as much as a do. Not that I’m even thinking of dating anytime soon, but it is a nice thought.

I’ve been reflecting over my pregnancy so far and I’m grateful my first trimester is over, not only because of the nausea, but because of all the destruction J caused weekend after weekend. During the first trimester I felt like I was on 16 and Pregnant, and nothing aggravates me more than that show, except Jersey shore. J used to watch those shows and actually enjoyed them. Those shows are banned from my house. It’s bad for the brain.

I don’t think I’ve ever felt such a bad a feeling as I did during that first trimester. J would yell at me and I would cry, clutching my tiny tummy, thinking about all of its precious organs developing. There were times when he would do something mean or stupid and I would become so enraged at him. I would be hyperventilating in the fetal position holding my belly, trying to calm down so my baby wouldn’t feel what I felt. I cannot even describe how painful that feeling was. I knew my emotions were in my control, but he would hurt me so bad and I would try so hard not to let him, but I couldn’t always win. I would know that my blood pressure was up; I could feel the knots in my stomach as I sobbed from the depths of my being. I swore to myself I would never let my baby hear or see any of this. And I knew I had to stop putting up with it, because I would not let J ruin this life. I’m 17 weeks and the baby’s starting to hear now. Counselling is the only way we can start communicating. I’m feeling more hopeful about that now. I feel grateful for the opportunity. Thank-you, J’s Mom.

This second trimester has been lovely, (with the exception of cruel text messages and hearing rumours of what J was putting up his nose). I had no drama to deal with, I’ve been eating well, I’m cooking up a storm and surrounding myself with positive people. Even now, I just closed my eyes and take a big sigh of relief. Quietness and calm surround me. No drama. No MTV. No tears. Only good food and good people. Forever.

Besides the bad morale day today, things are looking up. I get to quit my boring editing job soon and I’m going to start working at a bookstore. It’s always been a little dream of mine. Have you ever seen the movie You’ve Got Mail with Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks? If you haven’t, you should. Ever since I’ve watched that movie, I’ve wanted to work at a bookstore. Bookstores give me a warm, cozy feeling. There’s nothing like the smell of a new book. Mmmm… books.

Couples Counselling for One

J has a really great mom. So great that she has offered to pay for couples counselling. You see, couple’s counselling is the only way we can get J to seek help, possibly opening up his mind to individual counselling. Our appointment’s next Thursday and I’m dreading it. The thought of seeing him causes my blood-pressure to rise and my blood to boil. The fact that I have to sit down for an hour and a half and explain myself again makes me want to vomit.

As usual, I’m trying to look at the positive:

1. Free counselling

2. I’ve always been fascinated with this profession. What an excellent opportunity!

3. Maybe a miracle will happen and through couples therapy and he will begin counselling sessions by himself so he can conquer his own demons

4. J could learn how to act like an adult and be a nice, helpful Baby’s Daddy/ex-boyfriend rather than an abusive, unreliable one

5. Maybe he’ll own up to his problems and take responsibility for his actions

6. I could learn how to not care about his manipulations anymore

7. We could end this nicely

8. Maybe, just maybe, he will mature, get help, leave his youth behind him, quit drinking and boozing, (which means giving up the majority of his friends) and then he could be a wonderful dad—- and even maybe, a good boyfriend.

Wow, that’s a whole lot of positive thinking! I admit it; I’m a realist, I think if outcome G. was possible it probably would have happened by now…

Can couple’s counselling work for J and I? Even when the whole issue really is just J? Do I have the energy to let everything go and start fresh yet again for him to just destroy it when it counts? No, I don’t. Does he still have the energy to lie to himself and to me about who he is? God, I hope not.

I swore I would give this my all, as I always have. I would be lying if a part of me wasn’t still praying a miracle would happen. Not because I’m a victim of this man-boy, but because I don’t want to share my child with someone who has put me through hell.

I don’t think I have the energy to forgive him anymore for it to start-up all over again. I want off this ride. This is the last effort I’m putting towards this relationship and if it wasn’t for my baby I wouldn’t even be making it. It makes me sick that I still go above and beyond for him when he can’t even give up partying for his future. How could he do this?

This is going to take a lot of effort on my part, and I’m exhausted from the last hundred times. Must be strong.