The Burden

After much more of J’s drama, J and I did end up going to couple’s counselling. I thought it went well at the time, but now I just feel crappy. I’m doing him a favour by doing this and it makes me angry I even bother.

He’s in some serious denial and he is not embarrassed or remorseful about his behaviour in the slightest. To him, he’s done nothing wrong. He chose drugs, booze and his friends over his family!!! Why do I bother? It’s as if he has no morals or conscience, literally. How can I reason with someone like him?

Two days later and I can’t stop thinking about all the lies he told and the things I wish I said. I cringe at all the things I have to say over and over again and I’m so tired of trying. He’s a sadist and I wish he would just go away.

It also pisses me off that so many of my posts have been about J and the misery he causes me and the baby. I know I’m giving him too much credit. Until my next appointment, I’m on a J detox.

A really great thing did come out of the counselling. The counsellor, J and I made an agreement J would stop messaging me for this week. She said, “J, understand this is not because she doesn’t care about you or that she’s trying to hurt you. It’s because we do not want to hurt the baby.” Thank God.

The ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender is in early May. I don’t want him there. At the next appointment I’m going to have to bring this up. I want my family who has supported and loved me through this to be there with me. I want great memories associated with this milestone. He can’t pick and choose when he wants to be involved. You’re either there or you’re not, and he’s not. I don’t want him near me when I’m in labor either. Or even at the hospital.  I’ll be too vulnerable and he’ll ruin my happiness. He can’t ruin anymore experiences for me. I will not let him.

I really try not to let him ruin things for me. I wish I could be that over-the-moon pregnant person who I always envisioned being, where their only worry is about what colour to paint the baby’s room.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still extremely happy. I’m glowing! I love this baby, I love this belly, I love the flutters in my tummy and I’m looking forward to everything.

I wish so badly that I didn’t have to carry around this heavy burden that is J. Any advice? Words of comfort?

Right now, I’m going to make some tea, go outside and read my book on this wonderful, sunny day.

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