A wise man once said…

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company… a church… a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”

-Charles R Swindoll

I don’t know too much about Mr. Swindoll, but I do believe happiness is an attitude. Eventually it will all work out and while we’re waiting for it to unfold, it’s best to have a good attitude about it.

My Greatest Fear

Being a single mother is the hardest job in the world. 

This social stigma constantly berates my brain. It’s a horrible feeling. Is it really going to be that hard? My solution to this fear of mine is to GET A GOOD JOB.

I’ve had one goal my whole life: I do not want to struggle. My family has always worried about money and that’s something I wanted to come to an end in my adult years. I always wanted to raise a child with two parents who have good-paying jobs. Forget the two parent thing for now- but I still have hope I will land a good paying job. It only takes one good job… I’ve been trying for years to accomplish my goal.

I graduated from journalism school, did some freelancing, couldn’t get a job after trying for a year-and-a-half. So, I went to hairdressing school. I thought I couldn’t go wrong with a trade. I was really happy working at a salon and just got full-time hours when I found out I was pregnant. Unfortunately, I had to leave for medical reasons, which I won’t bother boring you with.

I recently got an extremely boring, low-wage, part-time job doing editing and layout for history books. It’ll do for now. I sure do wish I had co-workers to pass time with though!

Although I love hairdressing its instability scares me now. Before, I had all the time in the world to build a clientele and make some decent money, but now that I’m pregnant I don’t have that time.  I’m pretty sure I will be heading back to school. I’ve been looking through fast-track courses and so far I think an administrative assistant course would be my best bet. Hopefully I can get a job through the city or a school district. Does anyone out there have any other suggestions?

My ideal life would be working 25-30 hours a week as a well-paid administrative assistant, and hairdressing at home for 10 hours a week. And of course, always writing, which is my true passion…

For now, all I want in life is to find a job where I start at $20 an hour. I would be over the moon. It would be such a relief! We could survive on that. As of today, I’ve never made over $12.50 an hour and I’m educated. Being 20-something in 2012 sucks.

I’m keeping it. A Congratulations would be nice…

Before I found out I was pregnant J and I were broken up. I never planned on getting back together with him. But when he was in Ryan Gosling mode it was too hard for me to resist, hence the drunken Christmas Eve incident that triggered an even bigger incident. From the outside looking in on J’s and I relationship, we are/were doomed, so I can’t blame people’s first question to be, “Are you happy about it?”

When I first decided to keep the baby, with J’s undying support of course, I heard a lot of things along the lines of, “Her life is going to be so hard if they don’t work out.”

Do I have a choice? It’s happened. It’s happening. And J is going to be there every step of the way.

“I’m sure it’ll all work out,” was a common reply. I hope so. I never thought he was capable of abandoning me pregnant. I would lay in bed at night and pray that this would give him the ability to get help and grow up.

I was surprised how many people were subtly advocating me choosing abortion once J slowly started reverting back to old behavior. I heard a lot of, “Pretty much all my friends have had abortions… it’s no big deal,” or “it’s going to be so, so hard.”

Why do people get sad looks on their face when they find out that I’m having a baby by myself? Because if this situation was reversed, I would say, ‘Good for you. You’re going to be fine. This will be great motivation. You can do this by yourself. I admire you for not getting an abortion.’

I did contemplate abortion but by the time I really thought about it I was around 6-8 weeks. I had already considered this mass of cells a baby. I just couldn’t do it. Maybe J would come around.

I must admit, I have day dreamed of rewinding time and reliving the whole ‘We’re pregnant conversation.’ If J wasn’t delusional he would say, “I can’t do this. I can’t be involved.” And I would tell him exactly what I said the first time round, “I can’t afford a baby. Bottom line.” And instead of him saying, “Don’t worry. I’ll take care of us.” He would say the truth: “I can’t have that responsibility. If you decide to keep it, you’re on your own.” And to be honest, if the conversation went like that, I wouldn’t be making this the topic of my first blog.

I catch myself feeling ashamed of myself a lot of the time and that people frown upon me for my choice to not get an abortion. I still feel as though people still try to make me feel stupid for getting pregnant and not being in a committed relationship.

But, Shit happens.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m pro-choice, and I know the decision to have an abortion is hard as well. But I have news for you: A lot of people get pregnant in bad relationships; the difference between us is that everyone knows it’s happening to me, because I have chosen to have the baby.

Everyone seems to have in their head is that you should be over 30; in a stable career; in a loving, committed relationship; own your own house with a picket fence and drive a Prius.

I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. The only thing I can agree with about that statement is that a loving, committed relationship is key, but it doesn’t happen that way for a lot of people.

In my circumstances, being 25, I’m fully emotionally capable of taking care of a baby. And the baby’s not going to know we’re poor for quite sometime. Just because I have a baby doesn’t mean I’m stuck in the poor-house for the rest of my life.

I know my pregnancy isn’t as promising and joyous as those other people’s who have everything perfectly aligned, and it is really sad that I don’t have a partner to go through this with. But guess what? I’m only 25, people are supposed to have kids in their 20s- not in their 40s, like a lot of people. Sure, it’s nice to have money, but my kid won’t know he/she is poor until they start comparing each other. I got at least five-years to make decent money. And I know I rent out my grandmother’s basement suite, but I’m so grateful for it. My grandmother will be a huge part of my child’s life.

I understand that having a baby is hard when you’re single, but so is having an abortion and so is having a baby in your 40s. I’m in the midst of unplanned pregnancy, with no money and no partner and I deserve a Congratulations, because guess what? Everything will work out and I will be the best mother I can be. And from what I’ve heard, once I see my baby, I won’t be having it any other way.

To understand my story; Meet J

I’m not going to go to in-depth into all the relationship drama. Frankly, I’m sick of talking about it, I’m sick of explaining, I’m sick of psychoanalyzing it and I’m sick of thinking about it.

Here’s the issues. J has a substance-abuse problem, with both alcohol and hard-drugs. He has friends who encourage it. He also has some type of personality disorder where he believes I’m what he wants: He would run through a warzone to get me back and does, to only destruct everything we’ve rebuilt a month or two later. He’s a pathological liar and cannot keep the simplest promises.

Now, I’m a reasonable girl. I try to see things from J’s perspective and for a good year-and-a-half of our relationship, I took some of the blame. I’d say things like, “I shouldn’t have phrased that sentence it like that.” Or, “I understand, you need guy-time.” Or, “I’m so, so, so, so sorry for raising my voice a little when I asked you to pick up you clothes for the thousandth time and you still don’t.” The point is, I can tolerate men. I can be in a long term relationship. All this turmoil is 100 per cent him. I know this now. And somewhere he does too.

I’ve been through it all with this guy; infidelity, drug-abuse, bullying, manipulation, emotional abuse and more…

And please here me when I say I get back together with him because he’s ssssooo damn convincing. He should be up for an Academy Award along with Ryan Gosling and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Anyways, he’s chosen to do use cocaine and binge drink every weekend while emotionally abusing me throughout the week. He has chosen to break his promises again and not be with me. By doing this, he has chosen to not be a father, to not have a family and to not be with me. And I’m pregnant and alone. I get comfort by knowing that this is my baby. As long as he is a bully, my child will not be involved with him. My baby will not treat anyone the way J treats others.

I honestly didn’t think he was capable of this. This is the lowest of the low.

I stopped speaking with him three weeks ago and it will stay that way.

This baby has given me backbone, strength, courage and determination and I’m going to use it to make my life better. This baby gives me something to look forward to. What a blessing.

Postively Positive???

We will call him ‘J.’

After seeing those two pink lines on the pregnancy test, I was sure it had to be a false positive. I couldn’t be pregnant. Out of the two-and-a-half-years J and I had been dating, we had unprotected sex once. On our trip to Seattle the week before  J joked that I was pregnant, I replied, ‘It doesn’t happen like that- people spend years trying to get pregnant!’

To put my mind at ease I insisted we grab another test. We grabbed a cheap no-name test and it came back inconclusive. So, we went and bought another cheap one and again, Inconclusive. (First Life Lesson of being pregnant: Don’t cheap out on pregnancy tests; they’re not all the same.)

We could not afford anymore tests, so we went to the local clinic. J and I waited in our own states of anxiety, me,  twirling my hair and him rapidly shaking his leg impatiently.  “So, it’s positive,” the young doctor said, “You are pregnant.”

“YES!!” J said, clenching his fist in the air as if the Ducks scored a goal.

I didn’t bother asking about my options. J promised we’d “do it together… That he was different…. This was it…. What he’d always wanted.” I allowed myself to trust him again. To let everything go one more time. Things had to be different now; we’re having a baby after all.

A brief Introduction…

Here are the bare bones of myself:

I’m a journalism graduate and also a certified hairdresser. Unfortunately; not employed in either field. Despite my efforts to achieve financial success, I haven’t yet, and I would say this is my number one concern in the situation I’m in.

I’m four-months along and I’ll be 25 when my first baby will be born. My ex-boyfriend, the baby’s father, is currently in a manic state-of-mind where a lot of drugs and booze are involved.

I found that resources concerning adult’s who are pregnant and single was limited, even though it’s apparently quite common. I want to share my ups-and-downs with others and vice versa. I think this will be therapeutic for me and for others as well. I’ll try to keep it up!

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