The Burden

After much more of J’s drama, J and I did end up going to couple’s counselling. I thought it went well at the time, but now I just feel crappy. I’m doing him a favour by doing this and it makes me angry I even bother.

He’s in some serious denial and he is not embarrassed or remorseful about his behaviour in the slightest. To him, he’s done nothing wrong. He chose drugs, booze and his friends over his family!!! Why do I bother? It’s as if he has no morals or conscience, literally. How can I reason with someone like him?

Two days later and I can’t stop thinking about all the lies he told and the things I wish I said. I cringe at all the things I have to say over and over again and I’m so tired of trying. He’s a sadist and I wish he would just go away.

It also pisses me off that so many of my posts have been about J and the misery he causes me and the baby. I know I’m giving him too much credit. Until my next appointment, I’m on a J detox.

A really great thing did come out of the counselling. The counsellor, J and I made an agreement J would stop messaging me for this week. She said, “J, understand this is not because she doesn’t care about you or that she’s trying to hurt you. It’s because we do not want to hurt the baby.” Thank God.

The ultrasound to find out the baby’s gender is in early May. I don’t want him there. At the next appointment I’m going to have to bring this up. I want my family who has supported and loved me through this to be there with me. I want great memories associated with this milestone. He can’t pick and choose when he wants to be involved. You’re either there or you’re not, and he’s not. I don’t want him near me when I’m in labor either. Or even at the hospital.  I’ll be too vulnerable and he’ll ruin my happiness. He can’t ruin anymore experiences for me. I will not let him.

I really try not to let him ruin things for me. I wish I could be that over-the-moon pregnant person who I always envisioned being, where their only worry is about what colour to paint the baby’s room.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still extremely happy. I’m glowing! I love this baby, I love this belly, I love the flutters in my tummy and I’m looking forward to everything.

I wish so badly that I didn’t have to carry around this heavy burden that is J. Any advice? Words of comfort?

Right now, I’m going to make some tea, go outside and read my book on this wonderful, sunny day.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. sweetsymphany
    Apr 14, 2012 @ 21:10:18

    have you ever really thought about why you are trying so hard?? after all, you cant force someone to do the right thing. if i were you i would just forget about him and worry about your baby (and i know that may not be as easy as i can type it). if he decides to do right he will. if not, you said yourself you have plenty of friends/family that will be there for you and the baby. my baby’s father was not supportive during my preg and is not supportive now, but my fam/friends were there for me and that’s all the love I needed. You will be just fine without him. 🙂

    Reply

  2. pregnantandsingle
    Apr 15, 2012 @ 09:47:23

    That is a good question. One I could right a whole post about, maybe I will sometime soon. I’m trying so hard because I need to say I did everything I could. I also want his family to know that I did everything I could. But the line has to be drawn sometime and I think it’s coming quite soon now. And you’re right, I will be fine without him. That’s the problem, I’m happier without him and I feel better. He just won’t stop manipulating, demeaning and bullying me. When it does come time to draw that line, I’m probably going to have to change my number! Thanks so much for your comment. It’s inspiring and made me think about how far I’m willing to go for someone who doesn’t want help- and it’s not much farther.

    Reply

  3. sjtyre
    May 22, 2012 @ 04:07:07

    You will absolutely be fine without him! I am a single mother of 2 that went through the same things as you EXCEPT I was MARRIED! My pregnancies were miserable, my marriage was miserable and it’s because he’s a sociopath. Luckily, we’re no longer together and our divorce commences in July. I hoping he stays 6 hours away as well because my life and the lives of my children (3 and 18 mths old) are better without him. My point is that I did the same thing, I tried and tried until I was blue in the face to make sure I did everything I could to make the relationship work, to fix what was wrong, but in reality you cannot fix another person and their psychiatric issues! In my case I took it so far that I had a second child! It was not planned (and I don’t regret one second of it because she’s amazing!) but it just dragged the relationship out that much longer because of course he had to be there for it. I wish he wasn’t because like you, I was happier and felt better without him! I promise you, if finding out you were pregnant didn’t change his outlook, NOTHING WILL especially you. And you are right to not want him in the hospital with you while having the baby! Make sure you have someone who will continue that joy and journey with you once you leave the hospital! There is NOTHING worse then having him “be there” for the event just to turn it all around in a matter of minutes upon arriving back home. Especially with the surge of crazy hormones that will be occurring and the relaxation you’ll need. Do yourself a favor, continue counseling on your own and let that jackbag GO! (I’m sorry if it’s insulting calling him a name, I just think of my stb-ex husband and that’s what comes out! lol)

    I found your blog because I am also pregnant again and i’m on my own. It’s not with my stb-ex husband though and it’s probably actually worse lol I’m sure i’ll touch upon that story in later posts in your blog 😉

    Reply

  4. sjtyre
    May 22, 2012 @ 04:17:47

    You really cannot reason with someone like that. He reminds me of my stb-ex husband. I went through the same things as you EXCEPT I was MARRIED! I fought to make things work, to do everything I could to make everyone happy and in the end it doesn’t work because you cannot change a person. If the news of you being pregnant didn’t change him, he can’t be changed, not now. Maybe as he grows up and matures but even that’s no guarantee. I kept going at it because I didn’t want to be the one to let the marriage fail, I didn’t want to be the one to end it and have to tell my kids one day that I’m the one that gave up. Well, along came baby #2 (which was another miracle, I don’t regret it for a second!) but it started the cycle all over again! Don’t waste your time. Be happy, be healthy, let him do whatever he’s going to do as long as it doesn’t affect you or the baby. Do NOT let him be there with you when you deliver because the LAST thing you want is a happy child delivery moment that is torn down like the Trade Centers the second you get home and he’s an a** again! It makes it 100x worse when that happens!

    Reply

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