To understand my story; Meet J

I’m not going to go to in-depth into all the relationship drama. Frankly, I’m sick of talking about it, I’m sick of explaining, I’m sick of psychoanalyzing it and I’m sick of thinking about it.

Here’s the issues. J has a substance-abuse problem, with both alcohol and hard-drugs. He has friends who encourage it. He also has some type of personality disorder where he believes I’m what he wants: He would run through a warzone to get me back and does, to only destruct everything we’ve rebuilt a month or two later. He’s a pathological liar and cannot keep the simplest promises.

Now, I’m a reasonable girl. I try to see things from J’s perspective and for a good year-and-a-half of our relationship, I took some of the blame. I’d say things like, “I shouldn’t have phrased that sentence it like that.” Or, “I understand, you need guy-time.” Or, “I’m so, so, so, so sorry for raising my voice a little when I asked you to pick up you clothes for the thousandth time and you still don’t.” The point is, I can tolerate men. I can be in a long term relationship. All this turmoil is 100 per cent him. I know this now. And somewhere he does too.

I’ve been through it all with this guy; infidelity, drug-abuse, bullying, manipulation, emotional abuse and more…

And please here me when I say I get back together with him because he’s ssssooo damn convincing. He should be up for an Academy Award along with Ryan Gosling and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Anyways, he’s chosen to do use cocaine and binge drink every weekend while emotionally abusing me throughout the week. He has chosen to break his promises again and not be with me. By doing this, he has chosen to not be a father, to not have a family and to not be with me. And I’m pregnant and alone. I get comfort by knowing that this is my baby. As long as he is a bully, my child will not be involved with him. My baby will not treat anyone the way J treats others.

I honestly didn’t think he was capable of this. This is the lowest of the low.

I stopped speaking with him three weeks ago and it will stay that way.

This baby has given me backbone, strength, courage and determination and I’m going to use it to make my life better. This baby gives me something to look forward to. What a blessing.

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Postively Positive???

We will call him ‘J.’

After seeing those two pink lines on the pregnancy test, I was sure it had to be a false positive. I couldn’t be pregnant. Out of the two-and-a-half-years J and I had been dating, we had unprotected sex once. On our trip to Seattle the week before  J joked that I was pregnant, I replied, ‘It doesn’t happen like that- people spend years trying to get pregnant!’

To put my mind at ease I insisted we grab another test. We grabbed a cheap no-name test and it came back inconclusive. So, we went and bought another cheap one and again, Inconclusive. (First Life Lesson of being pregnant: Don’t cheap out on pregnancy tests; they’re not all the same.)

We could not afford anymore tests, so we went to the local clinic. J and I waited in our own states of anxiety, me,  twirling my hair and him rapidly shaking his leg impatiently.  “So, it’s positive,” the young doctor said, “You are pregnant.”

“YES!!” J said, clenching his fist in the air as if the Ducks scored a goal.

I didn’t bother asking about my options. J promised we’d “do it together… That he was different…. This was it…. What he’d always wanted.” I allowed myself to trust him again. To let everything go one more time. Things had to be different now; we’re having a baby after all.

A brief Introduction…

Here are the bare bones of myself:

I’m a journalism graduate and also a certified hairdresser. Unfortunately; not employed in either field. Despite my efforts to achieve financial success, I haven’t yet, and I would say this is my number one concern in the situation I’m in.

I’m four-months along and I’ll be 25 when my first baby will be born. My ex-boyfriend, the baby’s father, is currently in a manic state-of-mind where a lot of drugs and booze are involved.

I found that resources concerning adult’s who are pregnant and single was limited, even though it’s apparently quite common. I want to share my ups-and-downs with others and vice versa. I think this will be therapeutic for me and for others as well. I’ll try to keep it up!